My Immortal
by IWantToMarryJames
Summary: After a huge fight, James decides that he is done with everything that has to do with her. And maybe that's all it takes. Oneshot, songfic to the song My Immortal by Evanescense. Review


**My immortal**

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all my childish fears_

_And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave_

_'Cause you presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone_

James Potter slowly ran a hand through his hair, staring into the sunset.

Two weeks. Two weeks had gone since he had last spoken to her. The image of her wouldn't leave him. Her red, auburn hair glistening in the light of the fireplace and her emerald eyes flashing with anger.

The same day he last spoke to her, he fought with Snape. Snape had attacked Sirius, and James jumped to his defence, stunning Snape to prevent any more damage than had already been done. It was, after all, his duty as Head Boy to stop people from duelling in the corridor, as Sirius most certainly would have continued it with.

James took Snape to the hospital wing, went to McGonogall's office and reported what he had done and she had agreed that it was the best source of action. Now James wasn't so sure.

Because, later that night in his and Lily's common room, Lily had gone absolutely mad. He hadn't even done anything to provoke her. He rarely did these days. The summer had hardened him and forced him to grow up.

"What" she said poking him in the chest quite hard as he reached for his book "do you think that you are doing hexing people for no reason?"

"Excuse me?" he said, racking his head, trying to remember hexing anybody at all that day.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. Snape called me mudblood and you attacked him!" she said, so angry now James could swear he saw smoke coming out of her ears.

"He called you a... a mudblood?" he said, suddenly wishing he had done more than stun him.

"Don't act all innocent with me, Potter! I saw you hex him!"

"Actually I just - " he started but she cut him off, poking him painfully in the chest again.

"I don't want to hear it!" she shouted at him, her red face clashing horribly with her hair. "I am sick of this! Do you hear that? I am sick of you!"

He opened his mouth, trying to explain but she didn't let him.

"I will never like you, never love you, never care for you in any way! I think you're disgusting, sick and revolting. Thinking of you makes me want to throw up, you're that ugly. Leave me alone, I'd rather date the giant squid, hell I'd date anyone before I'll date you. You're a creep. You're worthless. And I hate you." she paused stabbing his chest again "Don't you ever come near me again!" she shouted

It hurt so much having her say all those things he was surprised he didn't gasp out loud.

Two weeks hade gone now, and it didn't matter how much he wanted to forget about it, her words replayed in his head even when he drank himself unconscious.

... _you're disgusting ... you're worthless ... I hate you ... you're that ugly..._

He buried his face into his hands, and decided that this time, this time she wouldn't get to him. He had spent such a long time trying to build a friendship with her, comfort her if she was mad, and secretly supporting her with her schoolwork, even if she never noticed. Now he couldn't care less, even if she apologized, he wouldn't care. He was done with her, done with everything that had to do with her.

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time can not erase_

_When you'd cry I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have, all of me_

Falling out of love was a lot more difficult than James had expected. But it had to be done. He would not spend another year moping over her or try to win her over.

Actually he didn't talk to her at all more than necessary. He didn't ask her out, he stopped helping her with school work, such as hinting loud what the answer or something like that for an essay would be. He never even looked at her anymore.

He laughed with his friends, he dated girls, he did his homework, he minded his own business. And he slowly wiped her away from his life. And yet, he knew that if she would just talk to him one day, friendly, he would fall all over again.

The thought made him sick.

One day she approached him, the same fierce look upon her face that she always had looking at him or talking to him. He melted under her gaze, like he always did.

"Potter, I want to know why." she hissed in the middle of the corridor.

"Why?" he said bewildered, unsure what he had possibly done to upset her in any way now.

"Why you feel it's your responsibility to mess my life up in every way possible!" she screamed, they were drawing attention to them now, and James felt rage build in his body as well.

"Excuse me?" he said cooly.

"I know what you did to Amos! Do you hear me? I told you to stay away from me!"

"Shut up, Evans." He said and she blinked in surprise.

"What did you say?" she said and narrowed her eyes dangerously.  
"I said, shut up." He said, this time lowder. "I haven't done a thing to whoever Amos is. I don't care about you or your life. You should bloody well remember that the next time you jump to conclusions again."

She looked stunned, an expression of total confusement on her face, and a slight bit of hurt.

"You're just as bad as all those who call you a mudblood,"

The crowd gasped, and so did Lily. He continued, unperturbed.

"You have a rasism against me, as soon as something in your life goes wrong, you blame it on me. The minute you hear that someone's broken the school rules, you think it's me. You call me names, you declare your hatred for me every single chance you get. And I'm not taking it anymore."

Her face was red from embarrassement and she choked out.

"Well then you have a rasism against Slytherins, and not at least against Snape."

He narrowed his eyes and she winced under his fiery gaze.

"I do not hate all Slytherins, far from, I dislike those who treat me badly, and my grudge against Snape goes way back, further than you know. You don't know anything about our relationship, so I would shut up if I were you. Oh, and do you remember that night when you told me how much you hated and despised me? When you told it to my face how ugly you think I am, how you feel sick whenever you think about me? Because I had hexed Snape?"

She nodded, not daring to look into his eyes.

"Well, you should go and find out the whole story. Go ask McGonogall what happened. I'm sure she'll tell you."

He turned to leave, but after taking two steps he turned.

"Oh and Evans? Stay the hell away from me. I don't need you to judge me."

Later that night, James was having an unpleasant dream about him and Lily, strolling across Hogwarts grounds and suddenly she turned and started to shout at him. He tried to run away from her emerald eyes, but couldn't do anything.

"James…" he heard. He stirred, trying to get away from her.

"James!" his eyes fluttered open and he found himself looking into the grey eyes of Remus Lupin.

"James, are you alright?"

He yawned and tried to think of where he was.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine… Why?"

"That was pretty intense, that between you and Lily today. We just wondered how you were."

"No I'm fine, I'm glad I got all that out of me." He said, sitting up. Looking around the room spotting his other friends, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew.

"As you should be," Sirius said "we're proud of you Prongs, she deserved all she got."

"What was all that about McGonogall though?" Peter asked, and James sighed.

"You know that time Snape attacked you?" he said, turning to Sirius, and Sirius nodded.

"Well, she said that she had heard that I attacked Snape because he called her a mudblood, and she was really mad. That's when she said all those things."

"Oh." Remus said, apparently lost for words. "Well, why didn't you tell her what really happened."

"I didn't get the chance, she wouldn't stop yelling at me, and at first I didn't understand what she was talking about."

"Well, you showed her today. We're all very proud, it's about time someone put her in place. Little goody two-shoes who never does anything wrong according to herself." Sirius snorted. "She's been hurting you all these years, and lecturing you when you've done nothing wrong…"

"Sirius, don't start." James said quietly, he didn't like being reminded of all the times she'd hurt him.

"Okay," his best friend said softly, knowing it was time to stop.

"I'm going to go to bed, I was up all night tryig to finsih the bloody Potions essay." James said, yawning, and heading out of the Gryffindor common room.

"Good night," he called over his shoulder to his three best friends.

"Good night, Prongs, see you tomorrow, don't forget about quidditch practice!" Sirius called after him.

"I won't." he called back.

"Poor, Prongs, it hasn't been easy for him this year." Remus said softly as James disappeared out of sight.

"I just hope he gets through this. I haven't seen him this angry in a very long time." Sirius said, wincing as he thought back of the last time James eyes had burned like that.

"No, he rarely is. But he stood up for himself today. Lily deserved what she got, and I hope she apologizes."

"I don't know if James will accept it though," Peter added.

"No, me neither. She's hurt him beyond belief." Sirius said, never noticing a dark shadow nearby, catching every word of the conversation.

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light_

_Now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

_Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams_

_Your voice it chased away_

_All the sanity in me_

Three months passed, and James was pleased to see that more people started judging Lily a bit more reasonably. A lot of people apologized to him, even Lily's best friend said that she was sorry for treating him badly in the past, she had never took the time to know him because of how Lily spoke about him, and she regretted that now. James accepted all of their apologies, he even would've accepted Lily's if she'd ever give him one.

But now, three months later, he would not anymore. He never talked to her, never looked at her, never helped her, never offered his cloak to her if she was cold.

And yet, he couldn't stop thinking about her. It was too much to handle. Too much that had happened. He needed her to admit she had been wrong, he needed her to apologise. He needed her. And he hated it.

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time can not erase_

_When you'd cry I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I held your hand through all of these years_

_And you still have, all of me_

A month later she approached him.

"Er, James?" she said, and he couldn't help but feel satisfied by how nervous she sounded.

"Yes?" he asked, not looking up from the paper he was reading.

"I'm having problem with a transfiguration essay, and I was just wondering if you would… you know…"

"If I would what, Lily?" he said sharply and she flinched as his eyes met hers.

"If you would help me with it." She said, so quietly he almost didn't hear her.

"Why?"

"Why what?" she asked, confused.

"Why do you ask me?"

"I just… well, you're top of the class, and well… I don't know…"

"Give me the real reason."

"If you don't want to help me, that's fine…" she said, avoiding his eyes.

"Okay, I'll help you." He finally said, after studying her face for a couple of minutes.

"You will?"

"Yes, I will. Meet me in the Heads common room at nine, I have quidditch practice."

"Okay," she said softly. "Thank you."

He didn't answer but continued reading the paper about arithmancy.

Not able to keep his mind off of her.

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_

_But though you're still with me_

_I've been alone all along_

That night James stumbled in to their common room, exhausted from practice. He had pushed his team harder than ever, and he had pushed himself even harder. Desperatly trying to stop thinking about her and what she wanted with him.

It hadn't worked.

She smiled nervously when he approached her at the couch. He didn't return the gesture.

"So... Want to get started?"

"Sure," he replied. "Hand me your essay and I'll tell you where you have to go from there, what you might've missed and the correct answers if there's something wrong, okay?"

"That'd be great." she said, softly and a bit hurt for his lack of emotion.

He read her essay and he couldn't help but feel satisfied by how bad it was. Lily had never been any good at transfiguration. Before their big fight he used to help her, maybe slip her an anonymous note, give her friends some tips or maybe read his essay out loud so she could hear. He'd stopped now, and he could tell by her paper that she was in desperate need of help.

"So, what do you think?" she asked nervously, hands twitching subconsciously.

"It's not very good," he said flatly "but we'll be able to fix it."

Without another word he started marking the wrongs, crossing them out to replace them by right ones, he added some guidelines at the bottom of the page and then turned to her.

"What is it about the assignment you don't understand?"

"It's... I don't know, everything I guess... I don't see what elements that are used transfiguring a candle into a horse, I can't think of any at all..." she shrugged and looked at her hands. "I feel so stupid."

She looked up at him. Grief apparent in her stunning eyes.

"And not only about the essay." she added quietly, begging him to understand.

It was too much for him. He stood up, shaking his head and headed for his dorm room.

"That's it?" she said from behind him. "That's all you're going to do?"

He turned and shrugged. "I guess so."

"Why did you stop James? Why did you stop asking me out? Why don't you look at me anymore?" she said, her voice rising.

"Why?" he spat at her. "You're really asking me _why_?"

"Yes, I do, as a matter of fact. You treat me like I'm not worthy of your words, thoughts or even looks! You treat me like dirt, like I'm worth absolutely nothing!"

"You mean like you did?"

Her eyes went wide, she looked liked she'd been slapped with his words. "Yeah, it's not nice, is it? And you don't have to deal with the public humiliation either! You hated me, you loathed me. You constantly told me how ugly I was, how awful I was, how I'd never be good enough for you or anyone else. You told me I was worthless." he said, dangerously quiet. If Lily would've known James, she would've known to stop right there. Because, if she decided to push the matter further, he would crack.

This was the calm before the storm. And if she did one thing wrong, one single thing to push him over the edge, James would not take it well.

But Lily didn't know James, she hardly knew anything about him. And therefore, she didn't stop.

"Yes, well, it never seemed to stop you before."

His eyes flashed dangerously and he took a step forward.

"Do you know how it feels Lily, do you know how it feels to fall in love?"

"Yes, I do." she responded, suddenly scared.

"Do you know how it feels to have your heart broken?"

"Yes."

"Do you know how it feels to hear from someone you love that you make them sick? Do you know how it feels to have your heart broken every single day? Do you?"

"I... no." she said, and took a step backwards, he took a step forwards, and they continued this way until Lilys back was facing the wall and James was mere inches from her face.

"All I ever did was love you, and that's how you repayed me. I lay my heart in front of you, I gave it to you. And you just laughed in my face and danced all over it! I got sick of it! You constantly hurt me! You wouldn't give me the time of a day! I mean seriosly, would it've hurt you to go on one single bloody date with me? You wouldnt've died! One date was all I was asking for, and then, well it would've been fine if you didn't like me, I could've handled that. But you humiliated me, it makes _me_ sick of thinking about everything I've gone through because of you. You crushed me." he yelled at her and she flinched, trying to get away, but he took a hold of her arm and forced her to stay.

"Look at me!" he demanded, and terrified, she locked her eyes into his. "_You _destroyed me, _you _broke me. I would've done anything for you. Anything. And now you have the nerv to even ask me why I stopped? I think not, Lily. You go back to your perfect little life and leave me alone." he let go of her arm, pushing her backwards so hard that she stumbled back, barely able to stay on her feet. Only the wall behind her preventing her from fall.

He turned and walked away. White-hot anger still flowing in his veins. And then he froze.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He turned around just to see if he was hearing right. And indeed he was. She was crying.

Lily Evans, ice queen, was crying. Real, actual tears.

Suddenly he felt like the worlds biggest bastard.

"I'm sorry, James. I'm so sorry." she sobbed, gripping her arm, trying to cover up the marks his hand had left there. She slid down to the floor and shaked uncontrollably. He was at loss.

What the hell was he supposed to do? Comfort her? He just couldn't.

"You're right, James, and I guess I have no right to tell you this... I... I love you. I don't think you're ugly, you definetly make me sick, but in a very good way, you're worth ten of me. And I'm really, really sorry for what I made you go through." she sobbed.

He had not been expecting that.

She loved him?

As in love?

"You love me?" he said, unsure he'd heard her right.

"Yes..." she answered softly, looking into his hazel eyes. "I do."

"Since when?" he asked, completely flabbergasted at these turn of events.

"Since you stood up to me that time a few months ago." she paused. "And I'm reallly sorry, I guess I was... afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"Afraid of you, how popular you are, what would happen if I returned your feelings... You're so confident all the time, so... perfect. And I was afraid that you wouldn't like me once you got to know me. You've liked me for such a long time, and I wasn't sure if I could live up to any of your expectations. I can't be as perfect as you want me to."

He strode over to where she sat and put an arm around her. She leaned her head on his shoulder.

"I never asked you to be perfect, Lily. I only asked for you. For you to love me." he said softly into her ear.

"I know." she replied, and then did something very unexpected. She kissed him softly on the lips.

She was begging him for forgivness through her mouth, pouring out her emotions in one simple gesture.

When it ended, he murmured against her lips.

"Will you go out with me?"

"I'd love to." she replied, before loosing herself into him again.

After all his efforts, she still affected him. And he'd never be able to let go of her again.

But this time, it didn't seem so bad.

_And I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have, all of me_


End file.
